Deli Etiquette

This is just a general list of basics for engaging a grocery store deli. While you can rest assured that one out of ten people have no regard for any etiquette at all, and therefore clumsily bulldoze their way around annoying everyone, here are just a few ideas to help the process go smoothly. You might think these are obvious... believe me, not everyone shares your view.

1. The scales all read in decimal, so please don't use ounces as a unit of measurement.

2. Please know what you are ordering before engaging a deli worker. It's fine to take two hours to figure it out... just don't have the gall to keep us waiting around for you to make the decision. (This happens a LOT)

3. Stay off your cell phone.

4. Ask questions. Questions are good. We have spent a long time with the product. It's much faster.

5. If you are nice, we will be nice, too. And vice versa.

6. Specific orders are good. It's more frustrating to have someone say, “Somewhere from half to three quarters.” We know darn well you are going to follow it with, “Just a few slices more.” Maybe a couple of times. Be specific, then ask for more.

7. Waffling is always annoying and time-consuming. [Questions don't count as waffling. Ask, then let someone else go.]

8. DON'T be upset when a deli worker doesn't hit your target weight on the nose. Every product is different. Always expect a .05-.1 variance. Over that, it's fine to ask for more/less.

9. Seriously... Stay off your cell phone.

10. Saying “Perfect!” even when it isn't, is comforting. Saying “That will do,” when we skillfully hit your off-kilter order perfectly... well... we don't really like you very much.

11. There's a fine line between being a punk and letting us know you are there, but please don't just stand there expecting that we'll see you. We probably won't. Or, honestly, we may ignore you until you express your readiness. We have a lot of things to do outside of slicing.

12. Phone orders are fine, as long as you don't act like a jerk when it doesn't come out exactly as you thought. You weren't there to make sure, were you? English is a second language for most of these guys. Be patient.

13. Multiple orders are great, as long as you let us know at the start, so that we can get help. This is probably my biggest pet peeve. We can be efficient if you are.

14. STAY OFF YOUR CELL PHONE.

15. Don't walk away unless you ask if it's ok to go. You started a transaction. See it through. It's only three minutes of your day.

16. Regulars are always treated better than strangers. Always.

Now, I realize that not all delis are as busy as the one where I work, but come on... these are not revolutionary tips, people.

Just be human.