Potential for Change

The funny thing is, I like rollercoasters.

Potential for change is often more scary than the change itself. The sheer possibility of what could happen or not happen is enormous. Anything could happen. There is no way to know whether you are in over your head or if it's just another little bump in the road. It's a free-fall. It's terrifying. Often, it's life changing.

I'm prepared for the worst for tomorrow. I do not like preparing for the worst. I'm selfishly tired of it. And I'm not even the one in the hot seat. Not the hot hot seat, anyway. My seat is pretty warm.

I know that I'm going to have to deal with the fallout again. It's so exhausting.

Last time I was in this situation, I read Camus' "The Stranger." I knew that I would associate it with the new location, situation, and feelings. And I do.

What should I read tomorrow?

Situations that require a lot of emotional stability inevitably reveal weaknesses in yourself and others. It takes a lot of wherewithal to know when and when not to maintain composure.

Stoicism doesn't help anyone who needs someone to cry with. I have learned this the hard way.

In the end, change should be expected. It will find you, whether you are content or not; whether you are aware or not. To be prepared for the worst -- mentally, emotionally, and otherwise -- is just prep work... the slow, tired, heavy, dirty, annoying, frustrating, redundant tread of walking the long path is the actual journey. It's the process.

Keep your head up, your eyes open. Don't be surprised when the bottom drops out. There wasn't much of a bottom there to begin with.

I write this today knowing that tomorrow I probably won't feel much like writing.

Please pray for my family. And me. And especially Miles.